New York City’s socialist mayor, Zohran Mamdani, just held an actual press conference — podium, flags, the whole nine yards — to announce that he has a bold, visionary plan to put trash cans on the sidewalk. By 2031.

Five years. To buy garbage cans. And people wonder why we call it communist efficiency.

Look, we realize that New York City is a complicated place. We get it. There are a lot of buildings, a lot of streets, and a whole lot of rats. But Mamdani just stood up there with a straight face and told eight million people that his administration needs half a decade to accomplish something that Amazon Prime could handle by Sunday.

The plan — and we’re using that word very generously here — is to roll out 6,500 “Empire Bins” across the city. These are big, fancy, locked containers that only building staff and sanitation workers can open. They’ve got keycards and everything. Very high-tech. Very impressive. Should take about a week to install.

But no. Mamdani’s timeline goes like this: by the end of 2026, maybe one district per borough gets bins. By the end of 2027, six more districts. By fall of 2027 — if we’re lucky — eight out of the city’s 59 community districts will be “fully containerized.” And the grand finale? Full citywide coverage by the end of 2031.

That’s eight districts in two years and 51 more districts in the following four years. We’re no math geniuses, but that looks like a guy who’s planning to announce Phase Two from a beach somewhere in 2029.

Here’s the kicker — Mamdani actually said this out loud: “In the wealthiest city in the wealthiest nation in the history of the world, no New Yorker should have their sidewalks covered in garbage.” Correct! So why does it take five years to fix it? You just identified the problem AND the resources available. The only missing ingredient is competence, and buddy, that bin is empty too.

Oh, and the cost? Nobody knows. Mamdani didn’t say. The city council didn’t say. The sanitation department didn’t say. They announced a five-year infrastructure plan with no price tag. Just vibes and a timeline that stretches past the next presidential election. (Funny how that works.)

But wait — it gets worse. To make room for all these glorious bins, the city is going to eliminate roughly 150,000 parking spaces. That’s about five percent of all the parking in New York City. So congratulations, New Yorkers — you’re losing your parking spot so the government can install a trash can sometime during the second Trump term.

Someone on social media called this “The Manhattan Project,” and honestly, that’s an insult to the Manhattan Project. Those guys split the atom in three years under wartime secrecy. Mamdani needs five years to put a plastic bin on a curb in broad daylight. Robert Oppenheimer is spinning in his grave.

And let’s talk about who we’re dealing with here. Zohran Mamdani is a card-carrying member of the Democratic Socialists of America. Before he became mayor, he was a state assemblyman from Queens who ran on a platform of free bus rides, city-owned grocery stores, and a $30 minimum wage. This is not a man who has ever been accused of moving quickly — or efficiently — on anything involving taxpayer money.

His predecessor, Eric Adams, actually started this containerization program. Adams — who had his own problems, obviously — at least got the ball rolling. Mamdani took over in January and his big contribution so far is announcing that he’ll finish what Adams started… five years from now. He even took a shot at Adams, saying “the promise was empty.” Bold words from a guy whose own promise comes with a 2031 expiration date.

Meanwhile, the rats are thriving. New York City’s rat population doesn’t care about your five-year containerization plan. They’ve already adapted. By 2031, those rats will have evolved thumbs and learned how to use the keycards.

This is what happens when you elect socialists to run things. They take the simplest possible task — literally just buying garbage cans and putting them outside — and turn it into a multi-year, multi-phase, budget-TBD government initiative that requires press conferences, rollout timelines, and probably a 200-page environmental impact study.

We put a man on the moon in eight years. We built the Empire State Building in 410 days. The Hoover Dam took five years and that involved rerouting an entire river through a canyon. New York City needs the same amount of time to deploy trash cans.

Welcome to clown world. Bring your own garbage bag — you’re going to need it until 2031.